I'm confused

I don't get it. What's this Obama guy talking about?

Oh, wait.

Is this what intellectual honesty sounds like? Is this what conversing like grownups sounds like? Is this what a necessary political speech without patronization sounds like? Is this what addressing unpleasant realities and owning them sounds like?

Is that what telling the truth sounds like?

I could get used to this.

I Really Don't Know Clouds

I can see both sides of the Diablo Cody/Juno debate.

The first 15 minutes were overwritten to the nth degree. But the rest had heart and personality to spare. I understand that Diablo has the greatest inherent gift for self-marketing since Spike Lee. And I feel very sorry for all the readers in Hollywood who are going to spend the next year getting slapped with Cody-esque quips like "that's one doodle that can't be undid."

But last night, she showed up with a tattoo that couldn't be missed, and a history of taking her clothes off in public. She made writers seem cool.

Important Distinction #2: Free Water Rules!

Flaming unrealistic fantasy vs. Slogging through the process

Writing a good screenplay is haaaaaard. That's three syllables 'hard'.

So it makes absolute sense that everyone who's sitting down to do it on their own dime, on their own time, needs to visualize the endgame. Aspiring screenwriters need to envision the glory that's going to come from toiling at their computer until blood trickles out their ears.

They need to envision getting that agent, making that big sale, and carpooling with Diablo Cody.

They need the fantasy.

What they don't need (but I'm going to give you because, trust me, it's in your own best interest) is the reality.

What a talented aspiring screenwriter can hope to get if they work their ass off and catch some breaks is... water. And hopefully lots of it.

And an agent or manager.

The realistic goal (and I don't mean to undersell it, because it's a huge goal) is that this script will snag some representation who will get it read by people all over town. That's victory number one. Victory number two is that some of those people respond to it and want to get to know you.

Meetings.

And every meeting starts with someone offering you water. Hopefully you get so much freaking water that you find yourself stuck in Burbank traffic seriously considering doing something you haven't done since you were two.

The reality is that the script that gets you on the radar is not typically the script that makes you money.

Can the fantasy happen? Hey, people do win the lottery.

But if you want to prepare yourself for the long haul (and it can be 'long' with three syllables), then you need to plan on a series of victories. The first is free water. Which will probably lead to another spec, and more water.

If you're lucky.

Coming soon: What to expect from the free water meetings, and a little background on the script that got me hydrated.

Sooooooo Jealous

I am envious. I'm not proud of it, but that doesn't seem to change matters.

Here's some background.

One of my favorite parts of the screenwriting biz is the Wish List. When you're working with producers or studio execs and a script gets to a certain point, you get to sit around and compile a list of all the actors you'd love to see in the lead roles and all the directors you think would crush this thing 12 rows into the leftfield bleachers.

It's like fantasy football, only you're talking Angelina Jolie instead of Trent Dilfer.

So last August I'm out to lunch with my Manager and a Big Time Producer, and we've each brought our wish lists and we're throwing around names. Now, one of the projects I'm developing with BTP is a smart teen comedy/romance, and the two names that I am in love with -- actors for whom I would give both kidneys to have involved -- are Ellen Page and Michael Cera.

That's right, Ellen Page and Michael Cera.

At the time of this meeting, I'd heard of Juno but didn't really know anything about it. Superbad hadn't opened yet, so I thought Michael Cera might still be a somewhat under-the-radar call. Ellen Page was amazing in Hard Candy, but by no means overexposed.

They would have been perfect. How do I know they would have been perfect? Because they are perfect... in Juno. Perfect.

We're going to be watching them both for a long time to come. And Michael Cera is going to own romantic comedies for the next two decades. He's going to have every Tom Hanks every-man role he wants. Scary smart, wicked funny, cute as a button, and guys like him, too.

And, of course, Jason Reitman was my was my wish director.

The Secret Handshake

I've had a few opportunities to talk with high school and college students with an interest in screenwriting, which I always enjoy. Without fail, one of the first questions always pertains to the classic industry Catch-22 -- you can't sell a script without an agent, but you can't get an agent unless you've sold.

Well, here's the dirty secret that established writers don't want you to know. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Diablo Cody visits me in my sleep and field dresses me like a 12-point buck for what I'm about to leak.

Your best chance is to employ a two-part system and work it in tandem.

1) Threaten an agent's family. Power only respects power, and in Hollywood there is no distinction between confidence and cockiness.

2) Purple Ink = Bidding War


Shshshsh. You didn't hear it from me.